Pregnancy has always been hands down the most fascinating subject to me. From as early as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mother and experience every step of the journey. I can remember attempting to breastfeed my baby dolls and always walking around with pillows under my shirt pretending to be pregnant. As soon as I learned how to read I would take my mom’s pregnancy books and ask her a million questions about the stuff I didn’t understand. The concept of a whole human life forming inside of another person just blew my mind. It was magic.
Now that I am currently embarking on this journey, I have a whole new perspective. I still believe that pregnancy and being a mother are among the most beautiful things in the world, but now that I am experiencing it for myself a whole new light has been shed. I’m not talking about the physical and emotional changes I’ve been going through, those I expected. I didn’t realize, however, how paranoid and scared I was going to be. Everything I feel or don’t feel, what to eat or not to eat. Every decision I make now has nothing to do with me, only the life I’m creating.
Right now I am 24 weeks and 6 days pregnant, or 6 months. From the moment I found out that I was expecting on October 31st, 2016 thousands of thoughts flooded my mind about what I was doing right or wrong and what kind of mother I would be. The day I got my big fat positive I was already 5 weeks and 2 days, or 1 month along. Prior to even suspecting that I could be expecting, I had been drinking alcohol. Not excessively, but I definitely had my fair share. I was so worried that I may have already harmed the baby somehow or that this could cause me to miscarry. It wasn’t until my first ultrasound at 12 weeks that some of those fears got put to rest. When I saw that perfectly formed profile, heard the soothing sound of a heartbeat and saw that tiny little body thrusting itself about on the screen, I knew that somehow everything was off to a good start. Checkpoint complete.
Fast forward to 18 weeks, aka 4 1/2 months. I felt my son move for the first time on Thursday, February 2nd, 2017. I was sitting in the car in the parking lot of a shopping center waiting for my husband to come out of the store with my much-needed hot sauce. As soon as I felt the flutter I immediately texted my best friends, our mothers and my aunts. I remember the rest of that night I was frantically hoping he’d do it again for my husband to feel . As the days went by I was feeling him more and more. His movements getting stronger and stronger. I could tell you like clockwork what times of the day that he was going to kick and it’s been on of the most exciting parts of my pregnancy so far.
Lately his kicks haven’t been as strong or as often. The first time I noticed a difference was almost a month ago when we moved out of our one bedroom apartment. I was up at 6:30 on that Saturday morning and we didn’t finish up until 12:30 am. I obviously didn’t do any heavy lifting, but I did help as much as I could despite getting light-headed frequently and needing breaks constantly. I started to panic on Sunday when I hadn’t felt him move and I thought maybe I over did it. Maybe I put too much strain on my body and now I was going to experience the ultimate punishment. I felt horrible.
The next day I went in to my doctor’s appointment extremely nervous and prepared for the worst. We had an ultrasound done and although we could hear his heartbeat, he wasn’t moving. It was only for a few seconds, but those seconds felt like hours and it was hard to breathe. Finally, he started moving and playing with his feet, he looked like he was having the time of his life in there! When we met with the doctor shortly afterwards she assured us that everything looked great. She told me he was healthy, the right size and that I had nothing to worry about. Relief doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling I felt that day.
Today, it’s been just over two weeks since that appointment. I have been able to feel him every day since, but something is different. His movements are not as strong, there is no pattern as to when I’m going to feel him move, and the movements are happening much less often throughout the day. I’m trying to stay as sane as possible but at any given moment I’m ready to march right back into the doctor’s office and get another ultrasound, just so that I can see for myself that he’s okay. If only there was a secret window of some sort that I could look through and monitor him whenever I please. There is no such thing as being 100% sure about anything.
My next appointment is in two weeks, I will not get an ultrasound but hopefully I will get some peace of mind. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, but it’s so fragile it can make you neurotic. Especially if you’re a first time mom, like myself, and have nothing to compare it to. Everything is new and scary, yet exciting and magical all at the same time. There are certain feelings, emotional and physical, that are difficult to describe and impossible to share. My due date is July 1st, 2017. I can not wait to bring my son home and give him all of the love and affection I can possibly give!